<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Hold me like you hold him by Rosswritesalot</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24958246">Hold me like you hold him</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosswritesalot/pseuds/Rosswritesalot'>Rosswritesalot</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shameless (Podcast), The Goons Podcast - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Smut, Jealousy, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Self-Doubt, Touch-Starved, mcnasty just wants a fuckin hug, soup is stupid but he comes around</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:01:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,162</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24958246</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosswritesalot/pseuds/Rosswritesalot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"I know that you two were in love before me, I can accept that you will love after me. I understand that this is temporary for me, and I will take what happiness I can get from this amazing relationship while I can, but for now.. I think I just need to step away. I know I shouldn't grieve something I haven't lost yet.. I guess I'm just being a bit selfish."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sniping Soup/Mcnasty/TheDooo, Sniping Soup/TheDooo, Sniping soup/mcnasty, mcnasty/thedooo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hold me like you hold him</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello loves, this is my first time writing anything of the goons but i do want to preface this with some clarification. I don't typically enjoy writing people by their Youtube names, but since both Mcnasty and Dooo are named Eric, I had to stick with their Youtube names, while I used Dallas for Soup. If you think I should just change to using all of their YT names in the future, let me know. This was just what was most comfy for me. </p><p>Cheers, Ross</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Saturday evenings typically consisted of Soup, Dooo and Mcnasty all on the couch, either talking over the white noise of the television, or playing video games. Though, today, Dooo is sitting with Mcnasty on the couch, knees against his chest, fingers curling in the man’s hair. It’s unusually quiet, as Dallas just left to pick up some various snacks from the convenience store. </p><p>Mcnasty is wrapped up in his own brain, thinking of the pattern beginning to form in their interactions over the past few days. Dallas had formed a habit of pressing a brief kiss against his cheek before wrapping Dooo up in a hug. Mcnasty tried not to think about it too much, but he believed it was justifiable, as this was the third time within a week. </p><p>“Hey Dooo?” Mcnasty asks, pulling the man’s attention away from the TV. “Do I smell bad?” Dooo bursts out in a laugh, obviously caught off guard by the question. </p><p>“Yeah, you smell awful. We gotta stop eating mexican.” Mcnasty looks up at the boy, and raises an eyebrow. “Wait, are you being serious?” Dooo asks while regarding him with furrowed eyebrows. </p><p>"Yeah but don't worry about it, man. Just thinking too-"</p><p>"Hey hey, no, come on, what's going on?" Dooo says, sitting up and looking at the man. </p><p>"Just wondering if I smell bad..." Mcnasty huffs, looking away from Dooo, trying to ignore that his eyes are slightly watery. "Because Dallas doesn't hug me like he does you, and I don't want to believe it's because he doesn't like me as much."</p><p>"I'm sure it doesn't mean anything, I mean- like.. I've never even noticed!" Dooo is speaking too quickly, his voice climbing higher with every word. He has never been good at lying. Mcnasty tries not to let it show how much his lies hurt.  </p><p>"I don't smell bad, do I?" Mcnasty sniffs a bit, and wipes at his eyes, trying not to look like a pussy while doing so. He isn’t the type to cry easily, but this is Dallas and now that Mcnasty knows it isn’t just a thing in his own brain, it hurts so much more. </p><p>Dooo knows he can't lie. Especially not to one of the people he loves most. "No.. not at all." Mcnasty nods, and his face scrunches up in a futile attempt not to cry. He stands just as the front door opens, and walks into his room, quietly closing the door before Dallas can see his tears.</p><p>Dooo is on the couch, he himself trying not to cry as well at the sudden reality crashing down on him. Dallas walks in on the boy blankly staring at Mcnasty's door, contemplating if he should tell Dallas what just happened.</p><p>"Good god you're a clingy man, if you miss him, just go talk to him." Dallas doesn't really look at Dooo, he just glances while walking by with a sack of groceries. </p><p>"Dallas you-"</p><p>"Hang on, I can't hear you! Just a second." Dallas calls back before walking back into the room. A tear is trailing down Dooo's cheek as he waits. He wants to fix it but doesn't know how. He did notice it all. He knew that Dallas was more physical with him than Mcnasty, he just wanted to pretend everything was okay in hopes that it would be. Of course this would never have worked. No matter how much love he himself gave to Mcnasty, he knew he couldn’t make up for the lack of physical attention shown by the other lover. </p><p>"Woah man, what's goin on?" Dallas says when he finally looks at Dooo. The light of day is shining in, rain clouds casting a grey tint on everything in sight. It only serves to make Dooo practically glow, an angelic aura surrounding him as he wipes at his face, not bothering to hide his tears.</p><p>"I can't talk to you right now, man." Dooo says, wrapping his arms around his knees. "You need to go talk to him. You- just... Go talk to him." Dooo can't even begin to tell Dallas what just happened, the sadness he just saw in his boyfriends eyes. He wanted to reassure the man that he was good, that he was loved, that he was enough... but Mcnasty didn't need that from him right now. He needed it from Dallas.</p><p>Dallas responds with a frown, not used to being welcomed with cold exteriors. He had heard a noise when he came in, but had assumed the two of them were talking. </p><p>"Alright.." he says, walking slowly towards the door to their shared bedroom. His attempts at trying to rack his brain to come up with a reason the two were acting like this are futile. Absolutely nothing comes to mind that has changed. </p><p>"Mcnasty, I'm coming in." Dallas doesn’t bother with knocking, he only ever announces his presence because Mcnasty got shy about being caught getting himself off for the first time. Dallas knew surely nothing like that was happening today. </p><p>Instead he walks in on Mcnasty hastily folding some clothes and shoving them into a bag, not many, just a few, as if he would be gone for a night or two. An overnight toiletries back is stuffed full of his things, as if put in there hastily, which Dallas is sure the items weren’t packed before he left. </p><p>"Hey.. did you plan a trip I forgot about?" Dallas asks, trying for a smile, which he is sure fell flat. Mcnasty's breath hitches at the sound of his voice, but the man doesn’t look up at him. He knew that his clothes surely wouldn’t be matching, and he sighed softly at his inability to multitask.  </p><p>"No, I uh.. I just am gonna go stay with a friend for a couple nights." He wipes at his eyes again, and poorly hides the way his voice shakes. Dallas doesn’t miss either, but is unsure if he should reach out and try to physically comfort the man. He had never seen Mcnasty in such a state. </p><p>"What, why? Did something happen?" Dallas speaks to Mcnasty as if he is an animal, trying to keep his breathing steady despite the room closing in around him. </p><p>"I... No, it's not your fault." Mcnasty whispers, because he truly believes it. He believes that it was something he has done wrong. Of course he wouldn't be good enough for Dallas, not when Dooo was there. He knows that Dooo is beautiful, whereas he is subpar. Dooo is soft where he is needy. Dooo is better in every way. </p><p>"Please... Tell me what I did wrong?" Dallas asks, seemingly desperate. Mcnasty feels bad for causing so much distress, always the type to put the others before himself. The promise that they would be open with each other is a constant ringing in his head. The promise they made so long ago when Mcnasty was added to the relationship already established between the other two. </p><p>"It's not your fault you love him more than me.. I know that.. it just hurts a bit." Mcnasty shrugs, glancing up at Dallas for the first time. Dallas is handsome, in a weird way. His hair frames his face perfectly when he bothers to brush it. Bright eyes holding a million emotions, chapped lips practically always pulled up in a soft smile. </p><p>Now those lips are pulled down into a frown, and the bright eyes are hazy with fear and distress. He isn't crying, but Dallas never cries, and Mcnasty doesn't fault him for that either.</p><p>"What?” Dallas feels as if he’s been punched in the gut, the tears on Mcnasty's face are a tragedy caused by him, but he doesn't know why, or how. He doesn't know anything at all. It’s all so much at once, and he hadn’t realized that his simple actions were taking such a toll on someone he cares so much about. </p><p>"I know that you two were in love before me, I can accept that you will love after me. I understand that this is temporary for me, and I will take what happiness I can get from this amazing relationship while I can, but for now.. I think I just need to step away. I know I shouldn't grieve something I haven't lost yet.. I guess I'm just being a bit selfish." Dallas is speechless, as Mcnasty had never expressed emotions like these, and he didn't know what could have brought it all up. He doesn't understand what he had fucked up over the past few days. </p><p>Dallas takes a step closer, looking up at the man who he has seen in countless scenarios, yet still manages to surprise him by revealing a new part of himself day by day. This moment surprises him, and despite himself, he reaches out to wipe away the tears. Mcnasty steps back, and wipes them away himself. Dallas blinked harshly. It’s a subtle rejection, but still rejection all in the same. It’s already falling apart, and he doesn't know how to fix it. </p><p>"I don't love you more than him.." he tries, knowing that he loves them differently, but not one more than the other. His love for each is dynamic in their own ways, where Dooo is calming and made him feel strong, Mcnasty is soft and made him feel safe. He had never measured their love one against the other. Sure, Dooo had come first, but it never dawned on him that Mcnasty might think he is less loved because of the time he joined in on it all. </p><p>Mcnasty responds with a slow shake of his head. "You don't have to lie to me... I'd prefer if you didn't" Dallas sniffs, and shakes his head in response.</p><p>"I need you to listen to me, Eric." Mcnasty flinches, as his real name is only ever used if he manages to fuck up somehow. </p><p>"I am in love with you, man. I have loved you since the day I met you, I just didn't realize it. Dooo and I were kids that grew up together, somehow falling into place, a love that was so immediate it didn't feel real for a while." Mcnasty feels himself tense, waiting, bracing himself for the admittance that he wasn't the lover they want after all.</p><p>"But you? I didn't realize I was falling for you. Dooo fell under your spell quickly, but you had me enticed without me realizing it. I began caring about you the moment we first spoke. You were funny and smart, and handsome, fuck youre a good lookin guy, man." Mcnasty begins shaking his head. The build up is killing him, he just wants Dallas to get it over with. </p><p>"I didn't realize I was falling for you until it was love. It was slow, like molten lava, you... You destroyed me. I was beside myself for weeks, terrified of what Dooo would say when I told him, but he told me first. He told me he knew I loved you, and he told me he loved you too. No.. not loved. Love. We are in love with you, you have to see that." Mcnasty is nearly sobbing at this point, now seeing there wasn't going to be a turn around. This is a confession, but still the question burns in the back of his mind. </p><p>"Why don't you hug me like you hug him?" Mcnasty asks, and the question twists at Dallas' insides. He feels like his stomach is about to empty itself of its contents. He had never admitted it to anyone, not even Dooo. He didn't realize it would ever come to light. </p><p>"I'm afraid of feeling small.. and you make me feel small... Vulnerable, I guess?" Dallas' mind is racing. He doesn't have a reason, he has just always shut people out. He has always made it so he was the big man, the one who was in charge. Mcnasty made it harder to feel like he was the big man. He can't convey that. He doesn't know how. </p><p>"I'm... I'm sorry." Mcnasty turns away then, yet again making Dallas worry he hasn't changed a thing. Everything is shifting in this moment, and Dallas knows that he has to fix what little mistakes he has made, he has to make Mcnasty know that he is loved. </p><p>Dallas takes one step forward, then two, and pulls Mcnasty into a hug, truly, and for the first time, letting go of his exhibitions. Not caring that he is smaller, not caring that Mcnasty isn't hugging him back. He just wants to portray through his body language that in this moment, Mcnasty makes up his whole world, that the man he holds within his arms truly means something to him. </p><p>A small smile crawls across Mcnasty’s face as he wraps his arms around Dallas, allowing himself to bask in the moment. Because at this moment he believes that he might be enough.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading, if you want to reach out to me, don't hesitate to DM me on twitter, @rosswritesalot!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>